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I found a new site to love on Monday when I was looking through the other birth posts for the Birth Story Bash. Hers stuck out because it was posted right before mine and she titled it, “A Birth Story Tragedy.” As selfish as it probably sounds, I still can’t read or hear about beautiful, magical, sparkly births that were amazing for all involved. More power to the women who have had these incredible births, but my brain starts to get tiny fractures around its radius when someone mentions the word “birth story,” especially if that includes “homebirth,” “natural,” or “unassisted.” Some day I really hope to be over this.
At any rate, I clicked the link and the tears ensued. The words are powerful in and of themselves but the picture….oh, the picture. Such a tiny, little man, resting on his mama’s chest which was the very best place he could possibly be. And the smiling parents. And just how sad it was.
The thing that stood out to me the most, though, was her faith. After B’s birth, my faith was very much shaken and often when I found my mind wandering down the road of trying to understand where God was in this story, I had to stop myself because I wasn’t sure that I really wanted to know what the answer was. It’s still a struggle and may always be, though I feel that it’s definitely better than it was. But this woman…her faith just puts me in awe. To continue to trust God even through all of that…to continue to think of Bible verses and actually see a victory in her son’s death, and to continue thoughtfully worshiping God is an inspiration of epic proportions to me. She is a woman I would want to call a friend.
I’m not a good Christian by any stretch of the imagination (though I don’t know how one would define a “good Christian” anyway). I falter and fail in so many ways that I often don’t even bring it up with some friends and family as I don’t want to come across as an enormous hypocrite or solidify negative views of Christianity or God or whatever that may already be in their minds. The last two years have been especially difficult as my level of social ineptness, which was already pretty high before B’s birth, skyrocketed after everything happened. Excuses, excuses. But I feel it’s the truth.
This woman, however, making her faith so public, especially through such a difficult loss honestly gives me a desire to do the same here, even though I’ll probably always feel like a hypocrite. I don’t know that there’s any way around that, so maybe I should just embrace it and do my best.
At any rate, check her blog out. She’s an amazing woman.