I’ve hesitated to write here about how we’re handling the job situation for various reasons. But lately, even with all the post topic ideas I have rolling around in my head, I just can’t seem to sit down and write long enough to get anything even remotely coherent out. I keep telling myself to just write….JUST write! But for whatever reason, I’m backed up.
So I’ll write about the thing that has weighed most heavily on my mind since June 26th.
The last few months have been really, really hard.
For that matter, this whole year has been hard. We started with the last month of my pregnancy with C, a stressful pregnancy in and of itself, that ended even more stressfully with high blood pressure fears and going over the due date fears and VBAC fears, etc. etc. But C made her appearance and we thought we were in the clear.
The next few months brought deaths in my family and that of a high school friend’s mom who used to be like a mom to me. There was illness for those around us. There was adjusting to life with two kids and eternal mommy guilt of how I was treating my son. Then we lost Muse.
And then the lay off.
Since then it’s been intermittent sadness, feelings of being overwhelmed and, at times, feeling mostly hopeless, sprinkled with days when a job prospect pops up that has E and I a little more upbeat than normal. But then these just fade with time.
I don’t even really know what to say here. I’m just sad.
I’m sad that we were so close to buying a house and now we’re still stuck in our condo where B doesn’t have access to a yard. I feel like I’m damaging him somehow by not letting him run wild and free for hours on end each day. But I’m thankful that we didn’t actually buy a house because things would look a lot more dire right now if we had a huge mortgage to worry about.
I’m sad that E was treated the way he was. But I’m thankful that they showed him a lot more courtesy than they did some of the others who were laid off.
I’m sad that our ten year anniversary is coming up and neither of us feels much like celebrating, nor can we justify the added expense…nor can we really do anything outrageously awesome due to the aforementioned two kids. But I’m thankful that we’ve made it ten years.
I’m sad that we can’t move forward and are stuck in limbo until the job thing is figured out. But I’m thankful that we had money saved for a down payment on a house and that with E’s severance has allowed us to continue to be able to buy food and pay the bills so while we’re in limbo, we’re not in jeopardy.
Honestly, things really could be so much worse and I’m thankful for how God has provided for us. I do see that He has provided for us and I do honestly believe that He has a better plan for us than where we were headed. It’s just frustrating to be stuck.
I hate waiting.