• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer
  • Home
  • Blog
    • Charlotte Mason Homeschooling
    • Junior Rangers
    • Food
  • Shop
    • Charlotte Mason-Inspired Kindergarten Curriculum
    • Picture Study Aids and Art Prints
    • Seasonal Art Devotions and Art Prints
    • Custom Homeschool Planner Covers
    • Quote and Verse Prints
    • Patreon Printables
    • Clothing
    • Mugs
    • Tote Bags
    • Stickers
    • Discounted Items
  • About
    • About Me
    • My Patreon Page
    • Disclosure
    • Terms of Service
    • Privacy Policy
    • Shop Policies
  • Contact
    • Data Access Request
  • Nav Social Menu

    • Facebook
    • Instagram
    • Pinterest
    • RSS
    • YouTube
  • Start Here
  • Homeschooling
    • Charlotte Mason-Inspired Kindergarten Curriculum (Free Booklist!)
    • Charlotte Mason Picture Study
    • Living Art Book Archive
    • Tour Our Homeschool Space
    • Kindergarten
    • First Grade
    • Second Grade
    • Third Grade
    • Fourth Grade
    • Fifth Grade
    • Homeschool Co-op
  • Food
    • Recipes
    • Monthly Meal Plans
    • My Favorite Products at Azure Standard
  • Resources
    • Free Downloads
    • Living Art Book Archive
    • 2022 Art Book Reading Challenge
    • My Favorite Products and Services
  •  
a humble place

a humble place

Blessed are they who see beautiful things in humble places where other people see nothing. Camille Pissarro

Home > EMDR and Birth Trauma

EMDR and Birth Trauma

2 March 2016

This post contains affiliate links and I may be compensated if you make a purchase after clicking on my links. Also, as an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases through them as well.

EMDR and Birth Trauma - ahumbleplace.com

There isn’t much on the internet, at least not in searches I’ve done, about the use of Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) for birth trauma, so I thought I’d relate my experience and how this method of therapy, essentially, changed my life. Literally. I don’t use that phrase lightly. It made a significant difference not only in my overall outlook and mental health in general, but also in my ability to have another child.

I wrote out my son’s birth story about a week or so after he was born and even now, when I read it, I can still travel back in time to those horrible weeks following the event when I was in a constant state of immense, bottomless depression. Prior to my EMDR therapy, when remembering those weeks, I would relive them over and over, sinking back into that old feeling of dread and sadness that dominated my thinking for months. I actually wrote on this topic before I did EMDR, trying to kind of work through it on my own, hoping I could find some healing just by getting my thoughts and feelings out.

It didn’t work.

To summarize (you can read the full version here), I had planned on having him in an independent birthing center that I found prior to us even trying to conceive. We went through very in-depth Bradley Method classes for several months, learning about the different relaxation techniques as well as extensive lessons in the different phases of labor and what exactly was happening in the mother’s body during each phase, which I found (and still do) to be fascinating and very helpful during labor. It gave the pain a purpose, and for whatever reason, that made it easier.

It was really a textbook labor. I went to the birthing center after I had been having contractions for about two days. Once there, I spent most of the time in the birthing tub, letting the water buoy me through the contractions, enjoying the sensation of just floating. I got through transition and actually fell asleep for a little until I decided that it was probably time for me to start pushing. So I did.

In hindsight, I wasn’t ready. But having never had a baby before, I had no idea what it was supposed to feel like when I was finally ready to push.

I pushed for a little over two hours. At that time, his head was starting to show with each push, but we weren’t seeing the progress that the midwife wanted and his heart had dropped to worrying levels twice already (though had come right back up), so she told me that he had to be crowning within a half hour (I assumed that the unspoken “or else” meant that I’d have to go down the road to the hospital). I was so tired, but determined to have this baby naturally and at the birthing center, so I gave it another push with everything I had. His head showed once more, but disappeared after the push was over and when the midwife checked his heart rate, it had dropped significantly and wasn’t coming back up.

This was the part where I always used to get “stuck” in my memories of the event. When everyone started panicking (the nurse on duty was awful) and I has on all fours on the bed, naked, with my butt up in the air, trying to get oxygen to the baby inside of me. His heartbeat finally came back up, so she had me stay in that position while she gave me a shot of something that was supposed to stop the desire to push (it didn’t) and the nurse called an ambulance….the wrong ambulance company. Instead of calling an ambulance from the hospital down the road, she called an ambulance company that was at least a ten-minute drive away.

This was and remains the longest ten minutes of my life. I kept cursing both E and myself for having set up the little baby corner in our room with a little bed and bookshelf and diapers and clothes and all the things you do to prepare for a baby. Because we’d have to go home without our baby because he was going to die.

The ambulance finally came and we got to the hospital (I was the fifth person in the birthing center’s five-year history to be transferred via ambulance in active labor) and an emergency c-section was performed before the anesthesia fully set in. I remember E watching in shock in the corner of the operating room as I laid on the table, his scrubs haphazardly pulled on as he had been in such a hurry to get in. None of this was supposed to happen.

I only sort of vaguely remember seeing B for the first time. The first pictures we have are him laying, alone, in a plastic tub, his little arms reaching out, red-faced and crying. I hate looking at those pictures because one of the images that I held on to the most, especially during labor, was the moment when the midwife would catch him and put him up on my belly where I could hold him to me, helping him adjust to this crazy, bright, kind of scary world. Those pictures represent what I always felt was my first failure as a mother.

Ultimately, everyone was okay. B was a robust baby at just under 9 pounds (and I’m not a huge person at 5 feet 2 inches tall), his cord had been wrapped around his neck once, which is common, and he was posterior, which were really the only factors that were against his birth being a smooth, natural one (factors that other women have overcome with ease). I can’t count the number of times I’ve gone over the whole situation, trying to figure out why it happened, but the result is always that it was my fault in starting to push too soon. In trying to control the birthing process. I’ve come to terms with this in the last few years but it was the hardest thing in the world for me to swallow just after his birth and led to tremendous guilt.

Trauma looks different for different people, though, and this is what it looked like for me. Some women might go through this birth and just be glad they had a healthy baby, regardless of how that baby entered the world (and believe me, this suggestion was offered up to me countless times). The weeks following their birth might have some sadness that things didn’t work out the way they wanted, but the overall feeling isn’t sadness or dread or hopelessness or guilt. Or, on the other hand, my daughter’s birth may have been traumatic for some as she was born only 13 minutes after we arrived at the hospital and she had to spend the first hour-and-a-half of her life in the NICU because of breathing problems. I was deeply sad that I didn’t have that time with her, but it was not anywhere near the experience of my son’s birth.

About six months after my son’s birth, after countless sleepless nights where I would wake up sobbing and reliving the whole thing over and over again, especially the moment before the ambulance arrived and I was sure my baby was going to die, E finally convinced me to see a therapist through our church. She officially diagnosed me with PTSD and we met weekly for a while until I realized she wasn’t for me. My depression continued, though I started growing pretty numb to it, for another year or so before I finally made it to an ICAN meeting and shared my story (while sobbing…as usual). The women were incredibly supportive and one of them (who wrote the poem on this piece that resonated very strongly with me) passed me a business card with the name of her therapist who specializes in birth trauma on it and told me that I should really call her.

So a few weeks later, I did. She had a waitlist and told me it would probably be a month or so before she could get me in, but then called me just a week later to tell me she had an opening.

I told her my story in detail and I think even at the first meeting, she brought up EMDR, but I was against it. I think I was scared as it sounded too much like hypnosis or that I’d somehow forget the birth itself. Despite the pain and depression it caused me, I didn’t want to completely forget his birth, but I didn’t see how I could separate the overpowering sadness of it from the event itself. I also wasn’t comfortable with it from a Christian standpoint. My religious views have changed dramatically from where they were back then, but at the time, I was convinced that there was something God wanted me to learn from this experience. And a part of me wasn’t sure that maybe I was being punished for something. She was completely understanding, but asked that I just keep it in the back of my mind. She was fine with going forward with traditional therapy, but mentioned that she found often that, especially with PTSD, this wasn’t “enough.”

After a few meetings, I knew she was right and I was getting desperate. The depression was affecting my relationships, my parenting, my well-being….pretty much every aspect of my life. I started asked her a lot of questions about EMDR…. did it make me forget? Was it hypnosis? The answer to both was no. I would definitely not forget the event, but EMDR would “remove the sting”….make it less powerful. Make it more like a normal memory, though it would definitely still have strong emotions for me. And I would be fully conscious through the entire session.

She said that for PTSD, EMDR sort of “unstuck” your brain. With a traumatic situation, your brain’s coping mechanism for handling stress can get overloaded in a way, and can’t process everything that’s happening fast enough, so it gets stuck. Any time in the future when you recall that event, your path of memory goes into an unending loop, usually of a specific traumatic moment from the memory, and relives it over and over and over again with debilitating detail. This, in a really unscientific and very summarized nutshell, is PTSD.

As it was explained to me, EMDR comes in and helps your brain sort of “unroll” the memory by allowing you to process it. She said that it’s not clear why it works, but it just does. Admittedly, I was skeptical, but as I said, I was also desperate.

So we began the process and finally got to the actual therapeutic part of EMDR after two meetings of getting ready. She asked me which method I wanted to use (sound, touch, or visual) and I went with touch since it seemed the less “hypnotic” of the three. She handed me a little device that had two little fobs (this isn’t the technical term….I’m not sure what else to call them) connected by wire to a main part. I took the little fobs, one in each hand, and the main part controlled how often and how long the fobs pulsed. And then we sat and I held the fobs and just….remembered. She didn’t say anything, other than asking me to remember the one part specifically where I thought B was going to die, and let me go. It was silent as I sat there with my eyes closed, remembering and feeling the pulses from the little device switch back and forth between my hands.

I remember crying a lot, but this was normal for me at the time whenever I relived the birth. Aside from that, there was really nothing very memorable about any of it (which is maybe the point?). We did this two or three sessions (not for very long each session), and then…..that was it. She asked me in the next meeting to start talking about his birth again and….I didn’t get stuck. It wasn’t a huge change that I noticed right away because, as I said, the tremendous sadness was still there, but with each subsequent remembering of the event, the huge emotions surrounding have become easier and easier to handle.

There was nothing particularly dramatic or crazy about any of it, which I think was good as I don’t handle things like that well. It simply allowed me to finally process through his birth and remember it without becoming a basket case. For that, I’m so very, very thankful in more ways than one. I was able to actually entertain the possibility of having another child without curling into the fetal position. It also allowed me to accept the fact that C’s birth may have also ended up with another c-section, and though this thought did make me cry on a number of occasions (including during the hospital walkthrough when they shared how conveniently close the OR was to the birthing rooms), it was a concept I could handle.

Admittedly, having a successful VBAC with my daughter also helped tremendously, but I never could’ve even gotten to that point without EMDR. Despite my initial misgivings about it, I have absolutely no regrets and am so glad I did it.

Related Posts

  • What I Lost.
  • What I Lost.
  • B's Birth Story.

Birth, Life, Parenting, PTSD, Reb, VBAC
4 Comments

Sign up below for updates, exclusive downloads, and to get your free Charlotte Mason printable bookmarks!

Previous Post: « System Status: February 2016
Next Post: Simple Swiss Steak »

Reader Interactions

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Comments

  1. Michelle Baker says

    4 March 2020 at 9:50 am

    I am really glad you shared this. I think you and I have similar personalities/ways of thinking about things, and I am grateful to have this information through you — I don’t think I would accept it from most sources. So glad that you were able to heal and still appreciate the experience of the birth of your son! All truth comes from God — it seems like this technique might be a wonderful blessing from him for some of the distinctly challenging issues of our day!

    Reply
    • Rebecca says

      4 March 2020 at 2:05 pm

      I’m glad it was helpful, Michelle. I know it sounded so strange to me at first and counseling (especially this kind) can, at times, be frowned upon, but I wanted to share with others how it helped me. ❤️

      Reply
  2. Heather says

    19 January 2022 at 1:24 pm

    I am so thankful you posted this. My son is 22 years old and I went through all of this when I had him. I am now living with major anxiety, fear and depression that has just grown and festered year after year to a point that it is controlling many aspects of my life. It has been a very long journey and I’m excited to find out more about this process. So glad you shared 🙂

    Reply
    • Rebecca says

      20 January 2022 at 1:27 pm

      Oh Heather, I’m so sorry you’ve had to struggle with this for so long. I hope EMDR can benefit you as well!

      Reply

Primary Sidebar

Hello! I'm Rebecca. Wife to E, homeschooling mother to B and C, and currently living in Colorado. I have a degree in art history and find joy in being able to offer art-related resources to homeschooling families as well as a gentle, Charlotte Mason-Inspired Kindergarten Curriculum. I also share our own homeschooling journey in the hope that it can be a help to others! Read More…

This Month on patreon

Recent Posts

  • John Singer Sargent Picture Study for Charlotte Mason Homeschoolers
  • Western Region NPS Junior Ranger Programs (AZ, CA, NV)
  • My Favorite Resources for Charlotte Mason Homeschooling: Music
  • Leonardo da Vinci Picture Study for Homeschoolers
  • My Favorite Resources for Charlotte Mason Homeschooling: Art and Handicrafts

Free things!

Footer

Get the Latest and Exclusive Freebies!

 

Love146
Summer is almost over, but there's still some time Summer is almost over, but there's still some time for more adventures! It's no secret that I'm a huge fan of our National Park Service. In particular, I love the Junior Ranger Program they offer, and any family vacations we take usually revolve around going to new parks and collecting more Junior Ranger badges for B and C. The parks are one of my happy places, and I love visiting them.​​​​​​​​
​​​​​​​​
The Park Service does have a page with a list of Junior Ranger programs at different parks, but in the past, it has not been complete, and I like to see them broken down by state and region. So this week on the blog, I thought I'd offer a list of all the Junior Ranger programs at parks in the Western region, which includes Arizona, California, and Nevada. I'm also including an interactive map so you can figure out which ones are closest to you. If you happen to be taking a vacation this summer in any of these states, I highly recommend stopping at a park to earn a badge!​​​​​​​​
​​​​​​​​
You can find the list at the link in my profile!
"It is well that we should choose our authors with "It is well that we should choose our authors with judgment, as we choose our friends, and then wait upon them respectfully to hear what they have to say to us" (Charlotte Mason, Philosophy of Education). One of my favorite CM quotes. 😊​​​​​​​​
​​​​​​​​
Patreon friends, your monthly printables are ready!​​​​​​​​
​​​​​​​​
#charlottemason #charlottemasonquotes
"For we are an overwrought generation, running to "For we are an overwrought generation, running to nerves as a cabbage runs to seed; and every hour spent in the open is a clear gain, tending to the increase of brain power and bodily vigour, and to the lengthening of life itself. They who know what it is to have fevered skin and throbbing brain deliciously soothed by the cool touch of the air are inclined to make a new rule of life, Never be within doors when you can rightly be without." Charlotte Mason (Home Education)​​​​​​​​
​​​​​​​​
I like to revisit this entire quote in Home Education every so often because what she said was true in 1886 is also acutely accurate today: we are an overwrought generation. And it feels that each successive generation is becoming more so. I know that when I feel overwhelmed and think there is no time for a hike or a walk or even some time out in the backyard with my feet in the grass, that is precisely when I need those things the most. I have experienced firsthand the calming effects of being out in nature, away from screens and radios and all the distractions this world shoves in our faces. I think her suggestion for a new rule of life is an excellent one.​​​​​​​​
​​​​​​​​
This has become my favorite hiking shirt, and it's available in my shop! You can find it at the link in my profile!​​​​​​​​
​​​​​​​​
#charlottemason #charlottemasonquotes #homeschoollife #homeschoolingfamily #homeschoolgear #charlottemasonhomeschool #charlottemasoneducation"
"Musical Appreciation, of course, has nothing to d "Musical Appreciation, of course, has nothing to do with playing the piano. It used to be thought that 'learning music' must mean this, and it was supposed that children who had no talent for playing were unmusical and would not like concerts. But Musical Appreciation had no more to do with playing an instrument than acting had to do with an appreciation of Shakespeare, or painting with enjoyment of pictures. I think that all children should take Musical Appreciation and not only the musical ones, for it has been proved that only three per cent of children are what is called 'tone-deaf'; and if they are taken at an early age it is astonishing how children who appear to be without ear, develop it and are able to enjoy listening to music with understanding." Charlotte Mason (Philosophy of Education)​​​​​​​​
​​​​​​​​
Continuing with the series I began in April listing my favorite resources for Charlotte Mason homeschooling, this week I'm sharing my favorite resources for music! This includes composer study, folksongs, and hymns. You can find it at the link in my profile!​​​​​​​​
​​​​​​​​
#charlottemason #charlottemasonhomeschool #charlottemasoneducation #charlottemasonmusic #charlottemasoncomposerstudy #composerstudy
If Vincent van Gogh had what he considered a "happ If Vincent van Gogh had what he considered a "happy place," this bedroom in the yellow house at Arles was one of them. About it he wrote in 1888: “This time it’s simply my bedroom, but the colour has to do the job here, and through its being simplified by giving a grander style to things, to be suggestive here of rest or of sleep in general. In short, looking at the painting should rest the mind, or rather, the imagination.​​​​​​​​
The walls are of a pale violet. The floor — is of red tiles.​​​​​​​​
The bedstead and the chairs are fresh butter yellow.​​​​​​​​
The sheet and the pillows very bright lemon green. The blanket scarlet red.​​​​​​​​
The window green.​​​​​​​​
The dressing table orange, the basin blue.​​​​​​​​
The doors lilac.​​​​​​​​
And that’s all — nothing in this bedroom, with its shutters closed.​​​​​​​​
The solidity of the furniture should also now express unshakeable repose. Portraits on the wall, and a mirror and a hand-towel and some clothes.​​​​​​​​
The frame — as there’s no white in the painting — will be white.”​​​​​​​​
​​​​​​​​
After he left Arles and admitted himself to an asylum in 1889, he revisited this room in his imagination and repainted it two more times.​​​​​​​​
​​​​​​​​
I made a picture study video walking through this piece a few years ago that you can find at the link in my profile. I also have a Vincent van Gogh Picture Study Aid and art prints available there as well!​​​​​​​​
​​​​​​​​
#charlottemason #charlottemasoneducation #charlottemasonhomeschool #charlottemasonpicturestudy #picturestudy #arthistoryforhomeschoolers #homeschoolarthistory #homeschool #homeschooling
Sealed into an album somewhere in my house is a ph Sealed into an album somewhere in my house is a photograph of an art gallery wall. In the middle of this gold-toned wall is a tiny rectangle with the barely-discernible image of a woman enclosed in it. She is behind thick glass, and her green-hued features are difficult to see in detail at such a distance. However, the lack of proximity is explained by the sea of people in the bottom part of the photograph. Even at that distance, however, her unmistakable form is easily recognized.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
This was as close as I got when I visited the Louvre 23 years ago to a Leonardo da Vinci original. The oft-professed "most famous painting in the world." La Giaconda. The Mona Lisa.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
I would honestly love to see more of his pieces. The only one in all of the Americas is Ginevra de' Benci's pale face at the National Gallery of Art in Washington DC. I have read in various places, and believe entirely based on what I've seen with paintings by other artists, that reproductions can not even remotely give his originals justice. There is something about experiencing a piece in person, not only the true colors with my own eyes but seeing the brushstrokes. The fingerprints. The work itself.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Leonardo himself was the ultimate tortured genius, and this is part of what I truly appreciate about him: the frenetic pace of his mind. He moved from one project to another project, from one medium to another medium, from one study to another study, from one city to another city. He was so consumed by the myriad paths his mind traveled that many of his pieces were unfinished. Aside from the creations we have in his journals, had he been gifted with more regular patrons or even a little more self-discipline, it's incredible to think about the things he may have accomplished.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
Today I'm excited to announce that I am now offering a Leonardo da Vinci Picture Study Aid and art prints! You can find it at the link in my profile!
A month or two ago, I posted about how I've been a A month or two ago, I posted about how I've been adding more recipes from Nourishing Traditions to my meal plan lately. It's a book I've had for over a decade now, but there are still so many recipes I haven't tried.​​​​​​​​
​​​​​​​​
In that same post, a few of you asked what some of my favorite recipes from that book are and I tried to list them in the comments, but I don't think IG liked how long it was. 🥴 So, I'm replying with pictures of the tried-and-true recipes we've been using from Nourishing Traditions for several years!​​​​​​​​
​​​​​​​​
Today's is breakfast. Clockwise from the left we have homemade yog(h)urt (p. 85) which is what my kids get with their breakfast. We top it with honey from a local beekeeper for the added seasonal allergy benefits. On the top is milk kefir (p. 86) which is what I have with my breakfast or first thing in the morning if it'll be a while before we have breakfast. For both of these, I use vat-pasteurized milk (Kalona Supernatural Whole Milk) because our raw milk is pretty expensive and the yogurt is being heated anyway. (I do have a recipe for raw milk yogurt on my website if you're interested in that too!)​​​​​​​​
​​​​​​​​
On the bottom is oatmeal (p. 455). I soak this in water and a little kefir overnight in our microwave which is above our stove and stays nice and warm from the stove surface light. In the morning, I dump it all in a pan, cook it until it's thick, add a pat of butter and 1 tb of ground flax seeds and mix it together until the butter melts. I then scoop it into bowls and add more butter, then everyone can add however much cinnamon or maple syrup they want.​​​​​​​​
​​​​​​​​
This isn't all we have with breakfast, but these are the specific recipes from Nourishing Traditions that we have nearly every day!​​​​​​​​
​​​​​​​​
#nourishingtraditions #westonaprice #wapf
I am a firm believer that the kindergarten year sh I am a firm believer that the kindergarten year should not be complicated. In fact, there is a lot of evidence that suggests taking a "better late than early" approach to beginning more formal lessons with your kids is more beneficial to them than starting too early. (I linked to a post on my website about this last month with the studies I found, but it's back up at the link in my profile if you're interested in reading it!)​​​​​​​​
​​​​​​​​
You’ve probably heard the saying that childhood is not a race, and this is especially true for kindergarten. Children at this age don’t need worksheets, flashcards, and standardized tests, they need unstructured time (especially outside!), open-ended toys, art supplies, and good books read to them. They need to be allowed to take in the world in their own ways. They need to be allowed to be little kids for a little while longer.​​​​​​​​
​​​​​​​​
With all this in mind, I feel like we kind of need a kindergarten revolution to break away from the idea that we have to do "all the things" during the kindergarten year. If you're interested in how simple it can be, I have a printable book list available on my website to help you build your own kindergarten year! You can find it at the link in my profile!​​​​​​​​
​​​​​​​​
(Also, the 2022-2023 Charlotte Mason-Inspired Kindergarten Curriculum is back in stock! Those on the waitlist should've received an email notification. You can also find it at the link in my profile!)​​​​​​​​
​​​​​​​​
#charlottemason #charlottemasonhomeschool #charlottemasoneducation #charlottemasonkindergarten #cminspiredkindergarten #homeschool #homeschooling #homeschoolingkindergarten #kindergartenhomeschool
"...we know that the human hand is a wonderful and "...we know that the human hand is a wonderful and exquisite instrument to be used in a hundred movements exacting delicacy, direction and force; every such movement is a cause of joy as it leads to the pleasure of execution and the triumph of success. We begin to understand this and make some efforts to train the young in the deft handling of tools and the practice of handicrafts. Some day, perhaps, we shall see apprenticeship to trades revived, and good and beautiful work enforced. In so far, we are laying ourselves out to secure that each shall 'live his life'; and that, not at his neighbour's expense; because, so wonderful is the economy of the world that when a man really lives his life he benefits his neighbour as well as himself; we all thrive in the well-being of each." Charlotte Mason (Philosophy of Education)​​​​​​​​
​​​​​​​​
I love, love, love this quote, especially the last part...."not at his neighbor's expense." ❤️​​​​​​​​
​​​​​​​​
Continuing with the series I started in April going over our favorite resources for Charlotte Mason homeschooling, this week I wrote about art (a subject dear to my heart!) and handicrafts! You can find read all about it at the link in my profile!​​​​​​​​
​​​​​​​​
#charlottemason #charlottemasoneducation #charlottemasonhomeschool #picturestudy #handicrafts #homeschool #homeschooling #homeschoolhandicrafts

© copyright 2012-2022 ahumbleplace.com · Terms of Service · Privacy Policy · Contact