How to Create a Family Rule of Life

Earlier this summer, I began a series of posts around the topic of a family rule of life. In the first post, I provided a brief overview of what initially sparked my interest in this topic, and then defined what a rule of life is. In the second post, we looked at the life of Charlotte Mason and, more specifically, her daily routine, and how she applied the principles she wrote about in her six-volume series to her own life. In this post, I’m going to explore how we actually come up with a rule of life. How do we decide what our values are and what’s important to us?

Resources

I’m going to begin by sharing a few different resources that have been particularly helpful to me as I’ve put together a rule of life for my own family. I’ll offer up the one I’ve already mentioned first, which is Holly Pierlot’s A Mother’s Rule of Life. I found this book to be very inspiring in terms of why a rule of life is important and how it can be a tool that serves us well. In the last part of the book, Pierlot also includes some practical and systematic steps for coming up with a schedule once you’ve determined what you’d like to include in your rule, and I’ll go into that in a little more detail later in this post.

The second book that has been helpful to me as I’ve come up with a routine based on my rule is Managers of Their Homes by Steven and Teri Maxwell (which is also mentioned briefly in Pierlot’s book). This is a very practical approach to developing a schedule and offers different ideas for how to do it, as well as examples from other families of how they’ve laid out their own schedules. For me, this wasn’t quite as inspiring as A Mother’s Rule of Life, but I did find it helpful.

In the “Prayer” section, I talk about how I adopted the practice of praying the hours when my kids were small and then again in recent years. Phyllis Tickle’s series of seasonal books called The Divine Hours is what I use for that practice.

I also mention coming up with a cleaning routine for our family, and Toni Hammersley’s The Complete Book of Clean and The Complete Book of Home Organization were very helpful in forming that routine.

And now we’ll get into some ideas for how to determine what goes into your rule!

The Five Ps

In A Mother’s Rule of Life, Pierlot talks about “the five Ps,” which are a systematic way of deciding what your priorities are and can aid you in determining what should go into your rule.

Prayer

The first P is for “prayer,” and by placing it first, she’s emphasizing that our top priority should be our relationship with God. And in fact, the whole point of the rule is that we are continually growing closer to God through following our rule. We can also look at Charlotte Mason’s writings to see that a personal devotional time every day – a time for reading her Bible, praying, and being sensitive to the Holy Spirit – was very important to her. And making this time a priority should be important to all of us.

With this in mind, as we begin to form our rule, we can ask ourselves, “What does this look like? What kind of time do I need to set aside for myself every day to have at least a little bit of time with God?” This may look different for you depending on what stage of life you’re in. If you have small children and are potentially sleep-deprived (as I was!), you may not be in a place where you can rise with the sun and read your Bible. At least, that’s how it was for me. If you have older children who sleep later as I do now, you might be at a stage where you can greet the morning with a little time to yourself, and that’s when I’ve chosen to do my time with God.

Another idea that Pierlot offers in the book is the practice of spending time with God throughout the day. When my kids were young and I wasn’t able to have a good chunk of time to spend reading my Bible uninterrupted, I adopted the practice of praying the hours at specific times throughout the day. I picked this up again after reading Pierlot’s book, and it’s been a wonderful way to re-focus on God even when my mind is going in all different directions with the various tasks on my to-do list. I feel like Corrie ten Boom summed up this idea well in this quote:

Don’t pray when you feel like it. Have an appointment with the Lord and keep it. A man is powerful on his knees.

Along with this daily time with God, Pierlot also mentions thinking about how to grow ourselves spiritually. This inspired me to look at spiritual formation books on various topics written or suggested by people and organizations I respect, and I chose to include that reading in my morning liturgy. Right now, I’m reading through books about each of the fruits of the Spirit. These aren’t books that I charge through, but rather, those that I read just a little bit of every day. This allows me to mull over them and carefully consider the words and ideas I’ve read. I’ve even gotten into the habit, when I have a little extra time, of narrating whatever passage I’ve read back to myself when I’m done.

Another option to consider is taking a class related to spiritual formation or theology. If your church or faith community offers courses, classes, or any continuing education on topics related to faith, see if those are something you could also fit into your schedule.

Person

The second P is for “person.” Obviously, growing our relationship with God is a way of taking care of ourselves, but other important things fall under this category as well. This isn’t just the idea of having “self-care” or making sure we’re happy. Caring for ourselves to make sure our basic needs are met is sometimes challenging, especially for moms. There’s the stereotypical example of being on an airplane and making sure your own oxygen mask is firmly on your head so you can help the person next to you. This is also very true of life, and if we’re not taking care of ourselves, it’s challenging for us to take care of others, or at least, take care of others in the way that we would like to.

In our example of Charlotte Mason’s schedule, she included periodic breaks for herself throughout the day because she recognized that she needed those periods of rest. In addition to those breaks in which she allowed herself to read things that she enjoyed, she also had an hour and 45 minutes every day to spend in nature, which she recognized as an activity that fed her soul. On a practical level, she also ate regular meals and set aside time to get a good amount of sleep at night, as lights out in the House of Education was 10:15.

In this section, Pierlot asks herself, “What are the things that I’m doing to take care of myself physically?” While she does include some mental and emotional needs in this, her primary focus is on her physical self. How much sleep is she getting on average? How much sleep does she feel like she needs to get? I’ve read that most adults need at least eight hours of sleep per night for optimum health, and if we’re not getting that, or even close to it, that’s a problem.

She also mentions getting exercise regularly as another way of taking care of ourselves. When I started reading the book, I began going for walks every morning, and that’s a habit I’ve kept up over the past year and a half that I look forward to every day.

And then there are other practical things as well. She talks about making sure you make your annual medical appointments, which is something that can definitely fall through the cracks. These regular visits to check in with a healthcare provider, whether it’s a doctor, a naturopath, a nutritionist, a chiropractor, or whomever you are most comfortable with, are important, especially as we get older. I know in my case, I’m very good at making these appointments for my kids, but not so much for myself. These aren’t just about running diagnostics, but also about allowing you to stay in good health so you can follow your rule. You can use these appointments to bring up concerns and discuss with your provider things like supplements that can help, exercises you should be doing, or kinds of foods you should or should not be eating to keep yourself in the best health. 

On the topic of food, we also need to make sure we’re fueling our bodies with what they need. The role of a parent, especially a homeschooling parent, is very demanding on our time, our mental capacity, and often our physical capacity. When we’re not fueling our bodies in proper ways, or feeding ourselves in the different ways that we need to be fed, which, on a basic level, is getting three meals a day and a good night of sleep, we are not giving our bodies what they need. In this situation, it’s going to be even more difficult for us to maintain a schedule and follow our rule.

And then, of course, when we turn to our mental and emotional needs, I can’t help but think of Mother Culture.

Mother must have time to herself. And we must not say ‘I cannot.’ Can any of us say till we have tried, not for one week, but for one whole year, day after day, that we ‘cannot’ get one half-hour out of the twenty-four for ‘Mother Culture’?—one half-hour in which we can read, think, or ‘remember.’

A., Parents’ Review Volume 3, no. 2, 1892/93, pp. 92-95

Are there any books that you want to read? Are there any hobbies that you’ve put aside and felt like you don’t have enough time for? Are there things that you’d like to include in your schedule that you haven’t done in a while?

One of the examples of this from Managers of Their Homes is sewing. When one of the sample mothers in the book first set up her schedule, she could only spare 30 minutes per day for sewing, one of her favorite pastimes. She was a little skeptical at first about those 30 minutes, wondering what she could possibly get done in such a short amount of time, especially after setting up the sewing machine and getting her supplies out. But within eight months of faithfully including this 30-minute practice in her routine, she was able to finish four jumpers, two coulotte jumpers, two vests, and two baby outfits. So even just a little time on a regular basis doing something that we enjoy can add up.

Are there any topics that you’re interested in that maybe you’d like to take a class for? If there are other ways that you want to grow yourself as a person, look into different options for how to pursue those interests, and then see how they might fit into your schedule.

Partner

The third P is for “partner,” and this would be your spouse. Charlotte Mason wasn’t married, so we don’t have a specific example of a husband in this case. However, we can look at her schedule and see that relationships were important to her. She joined her students for lunch and supper, and also had time with them after the meals when she read aloud or they had other activities together. Our relationships with others are an essential part of our rule!

Beginning with the marriage relationship, so often when we have young children, it’s easy for our relationship with our spouse to get pushed onto the back burner. I don’t think this is intentional for most of us, but sometimes it happens when suddenly we have this other tiny human being who relies on us for everything for the first few years of their existence. There’s barely enough time to take care of ourselves, let alone nurture a relationship with another adult. Once the realization hits that the relationship isn’t as cared for as it used to be, we may just assume or hope that it’ll be okay until the kids get a little older, when we have more time to focus on it. And there are definitely certain seasons of life where this may be necessary, but even in those times, we can still look for small ways to show our spouse that they are still a priority for us. How can we even make just a little bit of time every day, whether it’s simply watching a TV show together, or maybe having an intentional time before bed where we talk? If you’re able to find childcare or if your kids are older, consider scheduling a periodic date night once a week, once a month, once a quarter, once every six months, or whatever you can manage. But make sure you’re being intentional about putting that time on the calendar and sticking to it.

In the book, Pierlot said that in the evenings, she reserves time for her husband and doesn’t schedule anything else in that time. Whenever her church or other groups she was involved with had events in the evening, she always made sure that it didn’t conflict with her time with her husband.

This idea also extends to friends. I lamented when my kids were young that I felt like a foxhole mom and hoped that our friendships could survive the little years. It does help to have mom friends with kids the same age as my own, but this is another thing to consider putting a regular event, whether it’s a mom’s night out, or even just a walk in the park, on the calendar. Scheduling things like this and dates with your husband may seem insincere or unromantic, but making that intentional choice of setting aside specific time just for them is a wonderful way of showing how much you value them and your relationship with them.

Parent

The fourth P is for “parent.” And in this section, she talks about how she really wanted to focus on nurturing her relationships with her children as well as see to their physical needs, like going to the doctor or feeding them three square meals. She also wanted to make sure that she was actually having time with them individually, and being present with them during that time:

I tried to be more available to them throughout the day, and soon discovered that it wasn’t just my physical availability that was called for; my children also needed me to be mentally available to them, and to be fully attentive to them when I was with them, I had to tone down thoughts of all the projects that filled my head and make more casual time to talk and laugh, and simply be with them.

One of the ideas in Managers of Their Homes that I really appreciated came from a mom who realized that she was giving all of her time to her older kids, so she specifically planned time with her little kids. While her older kids were working on schoolwork or doing some other activity, she had even as little as 15 minutes set aside to cuddle with one of her toddlers or preschool-aged kids. This was a time to look at books together or just to sit and talk with them. Several years ago, when my kids were still small, I read another book that brought up the idea of having this daily time with each of your kids individually and allowing them to decide what you’d do. And, again, maybe this is only 15 minutes, but in that time, you are able to build that relationship with that particular child and get to know them as an individual. With this in mind, we can look at our time again and evaluate how much time we can spend each day, week, or month with our children individually to grow our relationship with them.

Another item she included in this section was helping her children with their spiritual formation. Pierlot is Catholic, so in her example, her children were attending Mass and reading stories about the saints on a regular basis. However, she also wanted to help them in other areas of spiritual growth as well. When we think about our kids, we can ask ourselves how we can help them grow in their own faith and their relationship with God.

When I was doing my year-end reflection time (as outlined by Celeste Cruz in the CMEC 2018 retreat), I took some time to think about our school year and identify areas where my kids struggled. I thought about the virtues that I wanted them to really focus on and hopefully cultivate in themselves. With that in mind, I looked up books for them to read that were about or had stories about characters who also struggled with those areas. I also pulled out my copy of Laying Down the Rails and got more ideas from that.

Provider

The final P is for “provider.” This isn’t just the traditional idea of the provider, or the person “bringing home the bacon.” This includes all the myriad ways we provide for our families. In Pierlot’s case, while her husband went to work each day and provided monetarily for the family, she provided by maintaining the home, cooking meals, making sure everyone’s clothes were clean, taking care of the kids, home educating, and all of the other tasks and responsibilities that stay-at-home/home-educating mothers do. To fulfill these roles efficiently, it’s essential for us to come up with a good routine that ensures that all of the tasks related to these roles are being accomplished as often as they need to be.

For me, this meant coming up with a cleaning routine for my home that all family members have a part in, as well as a rotation for all of the other tasks related to my vocation, including meal planning, grocery shopping, homeschool planning, and business-related tasks. It took a lot of work to do this, and it doesn’t always get done completely, but having a schedule that encompasses all of these areas has made a big difference in how much of it I’m able to keep up with.

So these are the five areas Pierlot suggests focusing on when forming your family’s rule of life. I highly recommend the book as she goes through each topic and offers questions you can ask yourself to get a complete idea of all the different aspects of your life that can be included in these areas. Once you have a more thorough vision of what you want and need to include in your family’s rule, you can begin to work out a schedule that allows you to live out your rule, fulfill your vocation, and do what you feel that God is calling your family to do. I hope that seeing Charlotte Mason’s schedule and how she spent her time was helpful, as I found it to be very inspiring.

And I hope this series as a whole has given you a good idea of what a rule of life can do for you, and how to establish one for your family!

And I’ll end with a little inspiration from Malcolm Guite:

A little rule, a small obedience
That sets aside, and tills the chosen ground…

Malcolm guite, A sonnet for St. Benedict