I fear God’s will.
It’s something we’re supposed to pray for. Something we’re supposed to include in our daily chats with Him, yet I find myself hesitating when I get to that part of the prayer. “Thy kingdom come, Thy will be……done?”
I hesitate to admit to this fear because it’s such a Christian faux pas. To suggest that my Creator’s will might harm me in some way sounds disobedient at best, and possibly sacrilegious at worst. But it’s true. I fear asking God to do His will because I fear what that really looks like. I fear that He’ll actually do it.
I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. — Je 29:11
I know God is good. I trust that He knows far better than I do all the intricacies of life and that His will is good. But what if His will hurts? What if I don’t want to face that particular gauntlet even if I believe in my heart that it will lead to better things?
As I’ve gotten older, this fear has grown. This fear of taking a running leap of faith into the black hole of that will and not knowing how the fall is going to be, let alone what will be on the other end of the landing. What if my idea of good and His idea of good are two separate things?
The worst part, though, is that there doesn’t seem to be an end to this fear; I believe it’s something I’ll struggle with the rest of my life. (Though I’d like to believe that in my white hair days, I may have a more relaxed view of the twists and turns life can take. I hope.)
We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!
But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love. — 1 Co 13:12-13
This is one of my favorite passages in the Bible as it’s so easy to see myself meandering around in a fog, bumping into things.
“Someday you will see…the fog will clear…”
And that’s really what it comes down to. I may fear His will. I may be scared of the things I bump into in this perpetual fog of waiting and the inevitable bruises these collisions cause, but I hold on to the hope that the fog will clear. That someday all of this will make sense and we’ll know that it was worth it. That the journey, in hindsight, was difficult, but the view at the end was well worth the trek.
I hold on to the hope that when the sun breaks through this particular ramble through the haze, that we will be in a better place.
And so I hope for God’s will.